Five Tips for Talking with Family About Your Estate Plan

You already know that you need an estate plan, and if you have taken steps to create one, you probably also know that you should talk to your family about your estate plan. Sometimes, however, that conversation is a difficult one.

Estate planning exists at the intersection of finances, mortality, and family dynamics, which means conversations can be uncomfortable even in families where communication is generally easy. It can be tempting to put off “the talk,” just as it is often easier for many people to put off the estate planning process itself.

The problem is that delaying discomfort doesn’t get rid of it; it simply transfers it to someone else down the road. Think about the reason you made an estate plan in the first place—to protect your family. Apply that same motivation when it comes time to talk about it. You can’t take away the grief they will feel at your eventual loss, but you can reduce their stress about dealing with your estate. Here are five tips for just how to do that.

Tip #1: Get Your Estate Plan in Order First

It’s important to talk to your family about your estate plan for a lot of reasons—to prevent confusion and conflict, to explain your motivations, and to prepare them for their role in administering your estate. But it’s important to put your plan, the way you want it, in place first.

If you are married, you and your spouse need to get on the same page, and discuss your needs with your estate planning attorney. Talking to your attorney will give you the education you need to converse comfortably on the subject. After that, you can discuss your plan, to the extent necessary, with the rest of your family.

Tip #2: Decide How Much to Share

What details to share with your family depends on your goals for the discussion. Do you simply want to let them know your affairs are in order? Do you want to prepare someone to act as your personal representative or trustee? Are you trying to prevent conflict between loved ones, or resentment over particular choices (such as naming one child as executor of your estate, or making an unequal distribution of assets)? Are your assets complex, or relatively straightforward?

Answering these questions will help you know what—and how much—to disclose.

At a minimum, you should let your family know:

• That you have created (or updated) an estate plan, including a plan for what to do if you should become incapacitated
• Where your estate planning documents are located
• The contact information for your estate planning attorney, who is best positioned to guide your family through the probate or administration of your estate if needed.

If you’re still not sure how much you should tell your loved ones about the particulars of your estate plan, your estate planning attorney can offer guidance based on your unique circumstances.

Tip #3: Be Prepared for Emotions

By the time you sit down to speak with your family about your estate plan, you will have spent a lot of time thinking about it—but the topic will be fresh to your loved ones. You should be prepared for an emotional response to the discussion. That may manifest itself as anxiety, sadness, or even resentment. Emotional responses are natural, no matter how carefully you have planned your communication about your estate.

Give your family members the time they need to process whatever emotions this discussion stirs up. Listen, and resist the urge to become defensive. Your loved ones won’t be able to hear what you need to say until they have worked through their feelings.

Tip #4: Pick the Right Time and Place

As with any important and potentially challenging conversation, it’s important to choose your time and place carefully. Remember, this is likely to be an emotional conversation, so it’s probably best not to schedule for a time when emotions are already running high, like holidays, weddings, or other family events.

Choose a private place where people will feel more comfortable discussing sensitive issues and concerns. Depending on your family dynamics, you may choose to speak to your family members as a group or individually. If the latter, try to avoid too much time between conversations, to avoid the perception that one child was “favored” by learning about your plan first.

Tip #5: Emphasize the Why, Rather Than the What

Many people put off telling their families about their estate plan because they are uncomfortable discussing their finances with their loved ones. While the discussion naturally touches on financial matters, that doesn’t have to be the focus. Thinking about why you are having the discussion, and communicating that, can make it easier.

Talking about your intentions and your values will help your loved ones feel respected and included. At its heart, this isn’t a conversation about letting your family know how much money you have. It is about making a difficult time, when it comes, easier for them.

You might choose to focus on the fact that you wanted to provide them with certainty about your wishes, to avoid confusion when they are grieving. You could emphasize the importance of family unity, and how much you want to leave them not only with financial security, but strong family bonds after you are gone.

To get started on your estate plan, or learn more about how to discuss your estate plan with your family, contact The Law Offices of Dana M. Kyle to schedule a consultation.